Best comedy TV quotes of all time

Jay Pritchett: God knows I couldn't love them more, but even the Kennedy's didn't get together this often.

The Antique - S5-E12

Hogan: Would you want me to strip, Schultz? I may be carrying a Luger in my shorts!
Schultz: Jolly joker.

Movie Nut

Rob Petrie: I want to take a nap before I go to sleep.

Dr. Meredith Grey: At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross.

Meta Knight: Your spirit is willing but your pink flesh is weak.

Pilot - S1-E1

Michael: They're going to keep Dad in jail until this whole thing gets sorted out. [Silence.] Also, I've been told that the company's expense accounts have been frozen. [Gasps.] Interesting. I would have expected that after "they're keeping Dad in jail."

Coach Toomey: Actually, Burdett never made the team.
Carl Kolchak: No?
Coach Toomey: You see, his butterfly stroke was like an effeminate moth.

Silly People - S2-E14

Carlos: You know who you are, Gaby? You're the kind of person who would have turned away Mary and Joseph from the inn.
Gabrielle: Well, they should have called ahead.

James: We are poor, and poor is one of three things people don't want to be. Right next to sick, and dead.

Cartman Gets an Anal Probe - S1-E2

Cartman: How come everything today has involved things either coming in or going out of my ass?

Blooregard "Bloo" Q. Kazoo: Got B.O.? Get DEO.

Pilot - S1-E1

Mandy: Will you go pick up Travis, please?
Mike: You can pick him up.
Mandy: Really?
Mike: Yeah, if you can just figure out how to change a tire.
[Mandy starts to leave.]
Mike: So sad.
Mandy: I'm living with Lord Voldemort!
Mike: I don't know who that is, but he sounds like a very caring father.

Bowling255 ★

Nick Miller: You're a freaking gold digger, Jess.
Jess: Do you think that if I were a gold digger, I'd be interested in you? I would be the worst gold digger in the world.

Hank Moody: You're so beautiful you're almost ugly.

Nathan Stark: Good job, Carter... Wow, that didn't even leave a bad taste in my mouth.
Marshall Jack Carter: Wait for it.
Nathan Stark: ...Oh, there it is.

Darrin Stephens: Sam, don't expect your mother to be gracious. She doesn't do imitations.

New Will City - S3-E1

Grace: My love for you is like this scar. Ugly, but permanent.

Gomez: Somebody... down there... likes me.

Earthanasia AKA The End of the World Show - S7-E6

Bill: Christmases come, Christmases go. They're all the ruddy same - no one ever remembers them.

Parade - S2-E4

Eddie: So, er, what did you do then?
Falklands War Vet: Well, I'd rather not talk about it.
Eddie: Why? Is it embarrassing? Shit your pants, did you? Cry, did you?
Falklands War Vet: Quite the opposite, actually.
Eddie: What, you sucked water in through your eyes?