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Corky Romano: You know, I never thought I'd live to see the day that an FBI agent would be peddling smack.
Brick Davis: Don't act so surprised. J. Edgar Hoover use to wear a dress.
Corky: Just tell me why, Brick.
Brick: I don't know. I suppose it made him feel sexy.
Corky: Not Hoover, you.
Brick: I think it's time to get on with the meeting.
Corky: What meeting?
Brick: The meeting between your genitals and this knife.

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Jason O'Day: Ahhhh...so that's it. You're nothing but a conniving pair of undersized land pirates.

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Store Clerk: Well, sir, a covered wagon pulling outta St. Joe didn't take near as much supplies as you got yourself here, Mr. O'Day.
Jason O'Day: You're sure one well-informed man, aren't ya? Now, did you think you can hand me that carton without straining yourself, or are you just tuckered out from sticking your nose in my affairs?

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The Communication Deterioration - S8-E21

Penny: You are a wise man.
Sheldon: Well, Penny, who's smarter, the wise man or the person who comes to him for advice?
Penny: Oh, I guess you're right. Maybe it is the person who asks.
Sheldon: No. It's the wise man. That's why he's called the wise man. You know how I know that? I'm the wise man.

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Hauser: Howdy, stranger. This is Hauser. If things have gone wrong, I'm talking to myself, and you've got a wet towel wrapped around your head. Now, whatever your name is, get ready for the big surprise. You are not you. You are me.
Quaid: No shit.

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Lori: They erased your identity and implanted a new one. I was written in as your wife so I could watch you and make sure the erasure took. Sorry, Quaid, your whole life is just a dream.
Douglas Quaid: Okay then, if I'm not me, who the hell am I?
Lori: Beats me. I just work here.

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Adam: This book reads like stereo instructions. Listen to this. Geographical and temporal perimeters. Functional perimeters vary from manifestation to manifestation.

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Adam: Handbook for the recently diseased.
Barbara: Deceased.

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Pascal: Jesus, Buckman! This stuff has been on the Stingray since Korea! This can expired in 1966!
Buckman: What's the matter, sir? It still tastes like cream corn.
Pascal: Except it's deviled ham.

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Pascal: Buckman! There was a fingernail in my food, you fat-ass moron! Yesterday, it was a band-aid!
Buckman: I'm sorry, sir. The band-aid was holding the fingernail on.

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Larry: Dr. Barbara? A lady doctor? Seriously?
Harry: Lady doctor. That always cracks me up. Yeah, doctor of doing the laundry maybe, am I right?

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Oz: What, no Jewish prayer before we have our ham and cheese?
Jimmy: You got a problem with my religiosity, Oz? Do unto others before you turn into a pillar of salt.
Jill: Exactly. Unless they're a rat. Then you can shoot them in the eyes.
Oz: A pillar of salt?
Jimmy: That's right. Moses said that. Read the bible, Oz.

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Jen the Fredo - S4-E1

Jen: Mr. Reynholm, I don't need to remind you of the report that denounced Reynholm Industries as an institutionally sexist organization.
Douglas: Now you hold on a minute, sugar tits. Everybody saw through that report. And, I even got that award off those feminist. The one shaped like the ice cream fellow.
Jen: That's the Shithead of the Year award. It actually says it on the base, "Shithead of the Year." Did you not read the base?

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Raphael: Hey, Mikey, remember that thing you use to say when we were kids?
Michelangelo: You made me promise never to say it again.
Raphael: Forget about that. Still got one in the tank?
Michelangelo: I've been holding it in for years.
Leonardo: Wait, guys, we need a plan!
Michelangelo: Cowabunga.

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David: What kind of an asshole lives on an island and he doesn't even have a boat?
Jennifer: Maybe we can swim for it. How far do you think it is?
David: No, it's uh, 2 or 3 miles at least, maybe more.
Jennifer: Well, what do you say? Let's go for it.
David: No.
Jennifer: Come on!
David: No! I can't swim
Jennifer: You can't swim?
David: No, I can't. Okay, Wonder Woman? I can't swim.
Jennifer: Well, what kind of an asshole grows up in Seattle and doesn't even know how to swim?

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The Bizarro Jerry - S8-E3

Jerry: She had man hands.
Elaine: Man hands?
Jerry: The hands of a man. It's like a creature out of Greek mythology. I mean, she was like part woman, part horrible beast.
Elaine: Well, would you prefer it if she had no hands at all?
Jerry: Would she have hooks?
Elaine: Do uh, do hooks make it more attractive, Jerry?
Jerry: Kinda cool looking.

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Aunt Irma Visits - S1-E6

Roy: [phone rings.] Hello, IT, have you tried turning it off and on again? Have you tried sticking it up your arse? [hangs up phone.] Oh, yeah, yeah, I just realized that was my mother.

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Yesterday's Jam - S1-E1

Roy: It's like they're all pally-wally when there's a problem with their printer, but once it's fixed-
Moss: They toss us away like yesterday's jam.
Roy: Yes! Yesterday's jam! That is what we are to them. Actually, you know what. That doesn't really work as a thing, because jam lasts for ages.

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Poncho: Billy, you know something. What is it?
Billy: I'm scared, Poncho.
Poncho: Bullshit! You ain't afraid of no man.
Billy: There's something out there waiting for us, and it ain't no man. We're all gonna die.

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Ron Timmerman: I wash my balls religiously. I like 'em so clean you can just feel every dimple.
Kevin Franklin: Thank you for sharing that.
Ron: The cleaner the ball, the better the play. Especially when you pull out that wood. The quicker you get it into the hole with the least amount of strokes, the better, right?
Kevin: Are you trying to tell me something?
Ron: Let me wash your balls.

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