John Farley: You have a father?
Mr. Woodcock: Of course I have a father, Farley, I'm not Jesus.
Bill: They hate that I'm working at their bank. I hate that I'm working at their bank.
Phil: I've gotta drop the kids off at the pool.
Juliette: We have a pool?
Phil: Uh, no.
Mr. Parks: "Most people go to their graves with their music inside them." - What was Mr. Holmes saying? Come on guys, it's not that hard. He's saying that most people die without discovering their own genius, without expressing the uniqueness that makes them special.
Benjamin: We are journalists! We can't do this. It is unethical... and insane.
Simon: It would be a pleasure to personally catch him.
Benjamin: By ourselves. By ourselves. We don't even have any weapons.
Simon: If I gave you a gun, would you know how to use it?
Benjamin: No.
Simon: Then what the fuck are you complaining about?
Duck: I told you. The moment you start drinking that Bosnian brandy, the devil's sitting in the corner, just laughing.
Pat: The Death Star would take out the Enterprise with one shot.
Jenny: The Enterprise has deflector shields.
Student: What is the difference between plot and narrative?
Silas: I gonna drop you like K-Fed.
Daphne Wilder: God couldn't be everywhere so that is why he invented mothers.
Maggie: What? That was on a Hallmark card we gave you.
Rachel: We can all survive Simon, you just don't have to look so damn sad doing it.
Larry McCoy: I'm getting too fat for this shit.
Joe Kingman: Bostun Webels, experience the heat. Buston Webels, catch the magik. Buston Webels, catch... who wites this?
Vince: Hey coach. Name is Vince. I'm just a bartender from Philly whose only dream is to play ball. It's all I got left after I lost my job teaching, and my wife left me. Like my alcoholic father used to say before he passed on, "A man can only take so much failure!" I'll give you everything I got. What do you say coach?
Lambeau "Coach" Fields: I say you can add "Did not make the football team" to your list of woes.
Will: O my God, I've come to say thank you for your love today. Thank you for my family and all the friends you give to me. Guard me in the dark of night, and in the morning, send your light. Amen.
Turner Claymore: Here at Berm-Tech we offer you a handshake, whether you have hands, hooks, or flippers.
Dr. Godfrey: It's true! Vagina Dentata! Vagina Dentata! Vagina Dentata!
Mackenzie Carpenter: Lenny couldn't find his ass with both hands.
Mr. Edward Magorium: Most of these are important papers... and some of them might be doodles I never had framed... I can't tell the difference in them.
Ben Murphy: Do you wanna walk the midget?