Secretary: How do you write women so well?
Melvin Udall: I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.
Frau Farbissina: Remember when we froze your semen? You said that if it looked like you weren't coming back we should try to make you a son so that a part of you could live forever?
Dr. Evil: Oh, sure.
Frau Farbissina: Well, after a couple of years, we got a little impatient. Dr. Evil, I want you to meet your son.
Dr. Evil: My son?
Frau Farbissina: Ja. SCOTT!
Cousin Eddie: Oh yeah, Yuban Coffee. You know you can sprinkle that stuff on anything? Ice cream, mashed potatoes, or just eat it right out of the can for a quick pick me up.
Charlie Barret: I'm going to give you an opportunity: get out of this. Now. Before it gets so fucked up nobody could ever recover.
Alex Whitman: Where are you going?
Isabel Fuentes: You're not my favorite person right now.
Alex Whitman: Yeah, well, you either.
Debi Newberry: You're a psychopath.
Martin Blank: No, no. Psychopaths kill for no reason. I kill for money. It's a job... That didn't come out right.
Guido: I forgot to tell you.
Dora: Go ahead.
Guido: You can't imagine how much I feel like making love to you. But I'll never tell anyone, especially not you. They'd have to torture me to make me say it.
Dora: Say what?
Guido: That I want to make love to you - not just once, but over and over again! But I'll never tell you that. I'd have to be crazy to tell you. I'd even make love to you now... right here for the rest of my life.
Alyssa: Can men fuck each other?
Banky Edwards: Are you asking for my permission?
Fan 1: What about last season?
Fan 2: What about it?
Fan 1: They were rubbish. They were fucking rubbish.
Fan 2: They weren't that bad.
Fan 1: They were fucking rubbish last year. And they were fucking rubbish the year before. And I don't care if they are top of the League, they'll be fucking rubbish this year, too. And next year. And the year after that. I'm not joking.
Fan 2: I don't know why you come, Frank. Honest I don't.
Fan 1: Well, you live in hope, don't you?
Seth Warner: I am not crazy. I know the difference between bad luck and divine inspiration.
Capt. Wallace B. Binghampton: Did we wake you up?
Willie: No sir, we've been up since the crack of noon.