Across whole show

Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Blood Feud (series 2)

[Homer goes to the post office to get a letter he accidentally sent to Mr Burns.]

Homer: [In an obviously fake voice.] Hello, my name is Mr Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.

Post Office Clerk: OK, Mr Burns, what's your first name?

Homer: I don't know.

The Canine Mutiny (series 8)

Comic Book Store Owner: Now make like my pants and split!

'Tis the Fifteenth Season (series 15)

Krusty: So, in the spirit of the Christmas season, start shopping! And for every dollar spent on Krusty merchandise, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.

Across whole show

Homer: Weaseling out of things is important for kids to learn. It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.

Brother From Another Series (series 8)

Bart: Inside the body of every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.

Lisa: And vice versa.

22 Short Films About Springfield (series 7)

Principal Skinner: Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped.

Superintendent Chalmers: Yes, I should be — Good lord, what is happening in there?

Principal Skinner: Aurora Borealis?

Superintendent Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?

Principal Skinner: Yes.

Superintendent Chalmers: May I see it?

Principal Skinner: No.

Agnes Skinner: Seymour! The house is on fire!

Principal Skinner: No, Mother, it's just the Northern Lights.

Across whole show

Homer: If you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

Homer Goes to College (series 5)

Homer: I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T, I mean S-M-A-R-T.

Homer Defined (series 3)

Smithers: Sir, there may never be another time to say... I love you, sir.

Burns: Oh, hot dog. Thank you for making my last few moments on Earth socially awkward.

Marge in Chains (series 4)

Lionel Hutz: Uh oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.

Marge: Is that bad?

Lionel Hutz: Well he's sorta had it in for me since I kinda ran over his dog.

Marge: You did?

Lionel Hutz: Well, replace the word 'kinda' with the word 'repeatedly' and the word 'dog' with 'son'.

Last Exit to Springfield (series 4)

Mr. Burns: Who's that man?

Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir.

Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? New man?

Smithers: Actually sir, he thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude...

Mr. Burns: Ehh...doesn't ring a bell.

Tree House of Horror IV: The Simpson's Halloween Special IV (series 5)

Homer: Kill my boss?! Do I dare live out the American dream?

Bart Gets an Elephant (series 5)

Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or loose, it's how drunk you get.

Across whole show

Homer: Please press any key. Where's the any key?

Lisa's Substitute (series 2)

Lisa: Dad, you're not listening!

Homer: Hey! Just because I don't care it doesn't mean I'm not listening!

The Great Louse Detective (series 14)

Bart/Lisa: Aaaaah! Sideshow Bob!

Sideshow Bob: Please. We've known each other for so long. Call me Bob.

Bart/Lisa: Aaaaah! Bob!

Across whole show

Sideshow Bob: Rakes! My old arch enemy.

Bart: I thought I was your arch enemy.

Sideshow Bob: Don't flatter yourself.

Mr. Burns: Before you begin, let me make one thing clear to you. I want your legal advice, I even pay for it. But to me you're all vipers. You live on personal injury, you live on divorces, you live on pain and misery. But I'm rambling. Anybody want any coffee?

Lawyer: I'll have some coffee.

Mr. Burns: Want it black, don't you? Black like your heart. It's so hard for me to listen to you, I HATE YOU ALL SO MUCH.

Homer: What are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?