Marge Simpson: I hate being late.

Homer Simpson: Well I hate going. Why can't I worship the Lord in my own way: by praying like hell on my deathbed.

Marge Simpson: Homer, they can hear you inside!

Homer Simpson: Relax. Those pious morons are too busy talking to their phony-baloney God.

[Stony stares from the congregation.]

Homer Simpson: Hey, how you doing? Peace be with you. Praise Jebus.

Ned Flanders: Uh, Homer? I don't mean to be a nervous Pervis, but if he falls, couldn't that make your boy a parapleg-erino?

Homer Simpson: Shut up, Flanders.

Bart Simpson: Yeah, shut up, Flanders.

Homer Simpson: Well said, boy!

Marge Simpson: Bart, are you drinking whiskey?

Bart Simpson: [drunk] I'm troubled!

Bart Simpson: Dad! It's not fair to use a bug zapper to catch the fish!

Homer Simpson: If you love fish like I do, you want them to die with dignity!

Bart Simpson: This is the worst day of my life.

Homer Simpson: The worst day of your life *so far*.

Marge Simpson: How did the pig tracks get on the ceiling?

Homer Simpson: Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig does whatever a Spider-Pig does... Can he swing from a web? No he can't, he's a pig. Look out, he is the Spider-Pig.

Ralph Wiggum: I like men now!

Grandpa: Homer, what the hell are you doing?!

Homer: risking my life to save people I hate for reasons I'm not quite sure why!

Marge: He filled an entire silo with crap in two days?

Homer: I helped.