Edward Garlick: We got one letter from a man who thought that Hauk's comedy was "visionary and interesting." The other eleven hundred calls say that the man can't do comedy to save his dick! That's a direct quote, sir.

Lt. Steven Hauk: Who do we have slated for live entertainment in November?

Dan 'The Man' Levitan: Well, we originally wanted Bob Hope, but it turns out he won't come.

Lt. Steven Hauk: Why not?

Edward Garlick: He doesn't play police actions, just wars. Bob likes a big room, sir.

Lt. Steven Hauk: That is not funny!

Private Abersold: How about if it escalated?

Lt. Steven Hauk: How about if what escalated?

Private Abersold: The Vietnam conflict.

Lt. Steven Hauk: The Vietnam conflict. We are not going to escalate a whole war just so we can book a big name comedian!

Adrian Cronauer: You know, you're very beautiful. You're also very quiet. And I'm not used to girls being that quiet unless they're medicated. Normally I go out with girls who talk so much you could hook them up to a wind turbine and they could power a small New Hampshire town.

Adrian Cronauer: You are in more dire need of a blowjob than any white man in history.

Adrian Cronauer: Goooooooood morning, Vietnam! Hey, this is not a test! This is rock and roll! Time to rock it from the Delta to the D.M.Z.!

Sgt. Major Dickerson: [Pointing to his rank insignia] What does three up and three down mean to you, airman?

Adrian Cronauer: End of an inning?